Love-The Ultimate Oxymoron

It’s no secret that I am a big music lover. Since childhood I’ve known the healing power of music even if my family seemed to be oblivious. What I mean by that is, after a violent night of alcohol and abuse in our house, hearing “What the World Needs Now Is Love Sweet Love” by Jackie DeShannon on the radio the next day felt like a much needed hug from Heaven for me. I couldn’t understand why the other five members of the family could not HEAR the gift and instead seemed to remain stuck in the craziness, anger and hurt of the night before.

I listen to oldies a lot and am a lover of “the Motown sound.” Today, as I was minding my own business around the house with the radio on, Ben by Michael Jackson came on. I loved that song so much back in 1972 when it first came out. I was 14 at the time.

Suddenly I had a flash memory, feelings and all, of me sitting in front of the “hi-fi” stereo that was my dad’s during the marriage. I think we all felt closer to him when we would use it after the divorce. It was one of the many things he left behind in order to just be done with my mom.

I had whatever album Ben was on and I was playing it over and over again trying so hard to learn the lyrics. I was alone and had it playing full blast. I remembered feeling so somber as I sang along, and was blown away when I realized what was going on back then. Blown away because I am still that girl who sat on the floor in front of the stereo, album cover at arms length so that she could hear herself sing as it bounced off the cardboard. I am still the “wounded healer” going back and forth from feeling I have a huge hole in my heart one minute, to longing to fill that hole in many. Even at 14, I ached to be loved as much as Ben and at the same time longed to love many like Ben was loved by the little boy in the movie of the same name. Singing into that album cover was not so much to hear how I sounded, but to feel those words coming back at me. I didn't see that then, but do now.

As I listened to the lyrics today after so many years, I see that I am once again trapped between two places that I long to be. I have the same desires I had as a young girl, still not knowing exactly how or when I will accomplish either. Or, actually, I know I’ve done a bit of both. Maybe it brought to mind the fact that I just might forever be in need of healing as well as in need of being there for others.

The song still brings up the “aloneness” in me and the ache to be loved. It also reminds me of how many are out there feeling so alone while I sit here with so much love to give; while I sit here knowing EXACTLY what so many need to heal at the core level because it is EXACTLY what I need. I’ve had glimpses and tastes of it here and there in my 52 years enough times to know it IS the answer. What you might ask is it that I’ve had glimpses and tastes of? What is it that is so healing that I not only find I still long to receive it over and over again, but to give it even more times than that? The answer is Love. It is Love that we all not only search for but also have an abundance of. The 14 year-old girl from 1972 now sits here in 2009 at 52 still aching to receive what she is overflowing with.

It is the wounded healer who knows exactly what it is that heals, while at the same time may spend a lifetime searching to be healed. If we could only remember that in giving what we need so badly, we receive it back as they say, “ten fold,” then all “Ben’s” would know they are loved beyond their wildest dreams.